Hot tip for Autodesk

Hey Autodesk high-ups, I’m sorry you’ve been having so much trouble persuading your customers to throw away their perpetual licenses and throw themselves on your perpetual mercy. It’s clearly difficult to persuade technical types to do dumb things like rent your software at enormous and ever-increasing prices. I feel for you. But there’s an answer.

Find dumber customers.

Lots of them. And fast, before the stock market notices that you’re no Adobe and we’re not buying it. Sorry, I mean not renting it.

Look no further! Simply buy this company, discard the product when you’re bored with it (you’re very familiar with that process) and get hold of the customer list.

Sell subscription software to those people. They’ll have no idea what they’re renting or why, but that doesn’t matter. They’ll buy anything that’s pretty, hip, now, connected, and preferably organic. They will commit to perpetually shelling out large sums just to keep using it, no matter how poorly it performs. They’re rich and dumber than rocks. All of this makes them ideal customers for you.

If you’re a bit strapped for cash at the moment, just have a word with the investors (including Google) who pumped $120M into an Internet-enabled $700 (sorry, now $400) machine that squeezes expensive pre-squeezed juice out of DRM-protected short-lifespan bags, and manages to do it slower and noisier than you can do it with your bare hands. They’re even dumber than the customers, so squeezing money out of them will be easier than squeezing juice out of a bag when the Wi-Fi’s down.

This is a perfect fit for you, Autodesk. It has everything you need to ensure mission-friendly proactive synergistic compatibility on a going-forward basis. It’s disruptive. It looks good. It’s an overpriced, poorly functioning product. It has on-point (but pointless) compulsory connectivity. It ties users into paying whatever you ask, for ever. And best of all, it connects you to a collection of completely clueless cashed-up customers.

Thanks to @internetofshit on Twitter for making me aware of this and other hilarious Internet of Things (IoT) idiocy. Examples:

Enjoy!

10 Comments:

  1. Lol. Thanks, didn’t knew about Juicero !

  2. I actually stumbled across the John Deere tractor hack story independently, and was blown away at this. What is wrong with these American companies? Yeah, I know, it’s probably not just American companies, but is this the only way they can make a buck now days?

    What ever happened to producing a quality product, charging a fair amount for it, and building a legitimate customer base who will return to you because of your product and business practices?

  3. Classic, Steve! Thanks for the laugh!

  4. Is it possible that much if not most of this behavior was inspired by a mysterious Nigerian Prince?

  5. Love your work Steve…A humorous start to my day just for something different…

  6. kimbrunz27@gmail.com

    Now we know where Autodesk gets it’s marketing ideas!

  7. See also the WiFi kettle: https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2016/oct/12/english-man-spends-11-hours-trying-to-make-cup-of-tea-with-wi-fi-kettle

    As a side note, Juciero filed patent and trade dress complaints against another juice press maker, Juisir, that hasn’t even released their product yet. Both are ridiculous and ridiculously expensive solutions to the problem of how to clean up vegetable pulp.

  8. To funny! Watch for the golden parachutes from juciero and Autodesk as inspired leadership becomes inspired to leave the leaky ship.

  9. As long as the juicer works when they buy it, they stand a chance. Its just when they decide what we really want in a juicer that we are in trouble.

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